the migraine in my head

Sunday, May 29, 2016




I've been thinking
too much

h e l p m e


Yeah, I've been thinking.

Like a lot.

Too much.

About life, about truth, about how so much of what happens in this world has cosmic implications.

Cosmic as in, we can bring the Kingdom here to earth.

Or we can choose not to.

About how people have a lot of opinions, but sometimes, they miss the truth because they're too busy shouting.

About hope.

How I'm not sure whether the short circuit of my brain even grasps the definition.


allthesequestionsareforreal
likewhowouldyouliveforwhowouldyoudiefor
&wouldyoueverkill


What does it mean?

What does THAT mean?

What does ANY of this MEAN?

Can I be honest?

Painfully so?

The Bible is kind of a weird book.

A very weird, complicated, messy book.

Because it's a book about messy people who live in a messy world 'cause of their own messy sin.

And yet they are totally precious to a totally un-messy God.

I don't always get it.

Some sudden revelation will hit me and I'll be all, “Aha! NOW I get it!”

It fits in the box and I can even put a bow on it, make it all pretty and neat and perfectl and I can point at God and say, “You go here.”

But then I read something doesn't fit in the box.

And that's annoying because yo that is my box and EVERYTHING must fit in it.

So, the questions come.

If this doesn't fit in the box, what about the other stuff?

What if all that other stuff doesn't fit in the box?

Oh...oh what if I have been wrong this entire time?

What if Grace requires more effort than I thought or that Love I loved is just looking for an excuse to leave?

And I know none of that makes any logical sense, but you see...

I'm a kitchen
s
i
n
k
You don't know what that means.
Because a kitchen sink to you is <not> 
a kitchen sink to me.


Am I the only one who feels like they interpret things a different way than anybody else?

I'm not trying to be a hipster.

It's just that I'll be going along like, “Oh, yeah, I'm pretty sure this means that.”

And then somebody says something different and it's not even that I disagree.

I just don't see it the same way.

And most people might be okay leaving it at that.

But no, I must confirm am I right or have I failed miserably?

And too often I waste weeks checking out everyone's opinion on the Truth instead of just seeking the source of the Truth.

Why don't I go to Him when He is Truth personified?


And I know that I can <fight> or I can let the lion win
I begin to a s s e m b l e what weapons I can find
'Cause sometimes to s t a y alive you gotta <kill> your mind



Ever the perfectionist, I can't stand it when I don't have all the answers.

Sometimes, I can convince myself that I don't need to know. I just wanna know and I can totally survive without it.

But then some stupid question has to pop in my head and I can't answer it.

Nothing sends me into an infuriated spiral quicker than not knowing the answer to something.

Because for some reason or another, I don't want to believe that it's okay to simply not know.

I guess not knowing tastes too much like failure.

Why is that?

Not knowing is really just an invitation to trust.

To which, my flighty nature counters,

“Okay, yeah, but I could trust if I knew.”

But that isn't the definition of trust.

Trust means holding to the steadfast belief that what you have been told is true and that the person who told you will keep their word.

There are so many things I don't know. I don't have all the answers to life or theology or the cosmic implications or insert questions here.

It's okay to admit that you don't know.

It's okay to be okay with not knowing.

And choosing to be okay with not knowing, choosing to accept His invitation to trust..

When you choose to do that, failing to know isn't really failing anything.

It's just a reminder to listen and learn from the One who does know.

And when we pursue Him instead of just pursuing answers, we can rest in the truths that never change:

God is good.

God is love.

God has grace even for this.

Even for the mess.

Even for me.


/////

I'm sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I have a lot to say, just struggling to find words to say them. Do you guys ever feel this way about not knowing things?


12 comments :

  1. um the loud noise you just heard might have been my head exploding.

    OK, SOUL SISTER. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL AND SO FREAKING DEEP... literally, I don't even know how to put it into words, because I JUST SO SO SO FEEL THIS, AND AM THIS WAY. The spirals of questions and the over and over again wars inside the head. And the not knowing things and trying to make yourself be ok with that, but everything inside you is screaming and clawing at the walls; YOU JUST ARTICULATED THIS ALL. This is what *that* is like. Daaaang.

    "we can bring the Kingdom here to earth.

    Or we can choose not to."

    BOOM. that right there.

    All of this spoke to me more than you can imagine. Everything you said about trusting Him... I NEEDED this.

    Also YOU QUOTED ALL MY FAVORITE 21 SONGS. & REGIONAL AT BEST FTW

    Ashlyn, you are a GIFTED soul, keep speaking His words!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOUR KIND WORDS ARE FELT TO THE DEEPEST PLACE OF MY HEART.

      GAHHH I AM SO HAPPY THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE. Cause lemme tell you, somedays I wonder about my sanity. These songs just hit me so deep, I love them. THANK YOU<3

      Delete
  2. AHSLYN ASHLYN ASHLYN OHHHH MY WORRRDSSSS. <3 Literally I don't think I've ever felt this way after reading a blog post...like somebody (you haha) just sliced open my heart and took ALL THESE THINGS THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DESCRIBE OR EVEN PUT INTO WORDS and wove them into eloquence and PUT THEM HERE. AND WOW


    WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW

    my head is bursting my heart is bursting this iS ME THIS IS EVERYTHING INSIDE OF ME RIGHT NOW HOW DID YOU DO THAT
    HOW
    HOW
    DID
    YOU
    DO
    THAT.


    HOW







    HOW.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ABBIE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY! YOUR COMMENT IS SO SWEET AND TOUCHING. JUST THANK YOU SO MUCH. SO MUCH. I love you<3

      Delete
  3. this is beautifully honest and heartfelt. being honest with uncertainty and painful confusion is HARD, so tHANK YOU for writing this out for us to read.

    aLSO TWENTY ONE PILOTS.

    p.s thank katie for bringing me here <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, thank you so much! I am so humbled and so delighted and ahh just thank you!

      I DON'T GENERALLY HAVE FAVORITE BANDS/ARTISTS BUT LBR TWENTY ONE PILOTS IS WHERE IT IS AT

      And Katie deserves all the hugs in the world for linking this on her blog <3

      Delete
  4. ldjfgladkfgjlkfgjlfkdjgkjfglkjdlkjgdlkfjgldkfjglkdjfglkdf
    welp that is how i feel right now bc everything i've ever thought or felt has been put into words by someone other than me lslfk. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS AND SHARING THIS. GAH. it's all so, so good.
    aLSO TWENTY ONE PILOTS
    also thank you katie for sending me here. ashlyn, you're a gem. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stertufchygywyysguwguwgwybybeueieonsinsohs<--- That is how I feel reading your comment! I feel so warm and happy knowing that I am not alone in this because when I wrote it, it was because I felt unbearably alone. And maybe moving forward knowing that I am indeed not alone will make the journey all the sweeter. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO INCREDIBLY SWEET.

      TWENTY ONE PILOTS OKAY JUST TWENTY ONE PILOTS

      also Katie you are the real mvp for sharing this post which is what I'm going to tell you on your blog now that I have time to respond

      And you are as well, Olivia, thank you<3

      Delete
  5. This is incredibly beautiful! And just so you know, you're not the only one -- I feel that way all the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! It's such a wonderful feeling knowing I'm not alone <3

      Delete
  6. Um, hello. I totally know this feeling. And, a little secret... I have a box, too, and I prefer God to stay inside it and be predictable and love me from a distance, because God's love up close and personal, unadulterated, is MESSY - and heaven forbid I allow myself to be a mess.

    God has been teaching me how to become one... it has been quite a journey.

    Great post ♡

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love how you put it; we want God to love us from a distance because up close, it's personal. Dangerously personal and we're dangerously layered creatures. Sometimes peeling those layers back hurts. But I think it's worth it. Worth trying, anyhow. Thank you so much!!

      Delete

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